#2

“Untuk edisi yang pertama ini, tema #MERDEKA akan diketengahkan di mana anda dialu-alukan untuk menyumbang sebarang karya berbentuk cerita pendek atau …”

***

Eh, serious lah?

Apa lagi yang ada pada merdeka? Lima puluh tujuh sudah berlalu, tiada apa yang baru. Penjajah sudah tiada. Kita pun sudah terlepas. Tiada lagi sangkar penjara, memenjara minda dan jiwa merana. Kini kita bebas bersuara, bebas berkata, bebas sudah segala seumpamanya.

Apa lagi yang mahu dikisahkan? Merdeka itu dulu. Sekarang zaman baru. Tak perlu nak simpul celaru dengan kisah dulu-dulu. Kala itu tahun batu. Ada warna hitam putih dan juga kelabu. Sekarang aneka warna. Tak cukup merah, kuning tambah biru.

Sumpah! Apa lagi tersisa dari citra merdeka buat kita, ummat zaman tersedia? Walau tak tahu mestikah sentiasa berjaga?

Ya! Merdeka, merdeka, merdeka juga. Laungan terlaungkan dengan nada sekata. Merdekakah kita? Akan merdekakah selama?

Ku buka Wikipedia tanyakan perihal merdeka. Rupanya, asal “Merdeka”, Sanskrit Maharddhika. Yang bawa tiga makna; kaya, agung dan kuasa. Hm… aku langsung tertanya, “Kayakah kita? Agungkah kita? Ada kuasakah kita?”

Bila aku kata “kita” apa yang ada di kotak minda?

Ketahuilah!

Sesungguhnya aku sedang berkelakar tentang “kita”, ummat Islam di merata. Hey! Sempadan “kita” ialah akidah. Bukan seperti mereka hanyalah sempadan tanah.

Setiap pelusuk bumi yang ada muslim menyatakan "tiada tuhan melainkan Allah dan Muhammad adalah utusan Allah" ia adalah bumi dan tanahair yang kita hormati, hargai, cintai dan kita serahkan keikhlasan serta jihad kita demi kebaikkannya.

Langsung aku persoalkan kembali, “Kayakah kita? Agungkah kita? Ada kuasakah kita? Merdekakah kita?”

Merdeka Malaysia, bukan merdeka yang segala! Kerna Merdeka ini hanya garis “MULA”. Merdeka ini hanya tahapan pertama. Sebelum nanti-nanti kita akan mengajak pula saudara-saudara kita untuk merdeka bersama-sama.

Merdeka kita bukan biasa-biasa. Merdeka kita bukan takat letusan bunga api dan bunyi meriam-meriam. Merdeka kita adalah lebih-lebih-lebih lagi. Merdeka kita umpama syurga sebelum syurga yang sebenarnya.

Merdeka kita adalah tidak menjadi hamba manusia. Merdeka kita adalah menjadi hamba kepada Allah semata-mata. Merdeka kita adalah keluar dari kesempitan dan kezaliman dunia. Merdeka kita adalah mendakap keluasan dan keadilan Islam yang mulia.

Malaysia sudah Merdeka. Pastikan mesti, kemudiannya giliran kita-kita.

#1

Making choices is an integral part of every normal human being. It could messes up a person’s life to the extent, to keep on breathing for another day is like waking up from sweet dreams.

Or it might make life, the dream to live in.

One of the crucial lessons I learn from the life itself is some ‘yesterday’ meant to be dealt with and never to be locked in the history palace.

***

Back then in my secondary school, one of the counselors once said, “The probability of the son or daughter of a married couple who are doctors, to be a doctor as well, is very unlikely.”

This idea, although -maybe- not based on real facts, surely do influence my life then after; especially in my decision making prospect.

(To all teachers and to all who teaches, seriously, although most of the time we seems like we couldn't care less about anything you said, we do)

As for now, I have two questions, after few years of delayed, need to be clarified (with my mom):
1. Do I must be a doctor?
2. If no, can I be anything unrelated with medicines?

However, every time I have the chance to ask, I failed. The words just couldn’t reach my throat. *sigh*

***

Why are these questions significant you might ask?

All this while, I have the mind setting that pursuing medic is not my choice i.e. it is my parents’ so, every time I failed in exams or anything that matters, I will regularly put the blame solely on them for “pushing” me down this route.

And to be honest, I hate this part of me.

I hope by clarifying those questions –IF and only if the answers are as I expected which is a no and a yes- I might perceive this matter differently as by then, I know that I do have the choice to choose. And even if I still remain on this road, I will be more responsible towards any actions I take because this is MY choice after all.

***

If I do not want to be a doctor, why choose medicine in the first place?

In my younger age, I have lots of dream jobs ranging from I-want-to-be-a-superhero to a more serious one, which is to be a policeman; influenced by the television series ‘Gerak-Gerak Khas’. But neither dreams last long.

Then, comes a time when I put a thought about being an architect.

Although both of my parents are doctors, I never see them as a motivation to be one. My Angah, on the other hand, who is an architect wannabe -during that time-, is the one who manages to drag me to share the same dream.

Gratefully, I obtained excellent result in SPM. Hence, I have vast window of opportunity right in front of me. And that is the moment when I try to be truly honest with myself. I asked, “What am I to be?”

***

Back to Angah’s story, after graduating from matriculation, he -shockingly- chose to further his study in medicine. I was seriously taken aback! Like seriously! I literally ask myself, “What the hell had happened?”

In a jiffy, the craziest ‘self-made’ drama started taking place in my head: I foolishly assume that my parents are the one who force Angah to give up on architecture and opt to medicine instead (Yes, I was a pretty weird delusional self-centered teenager back then and I do owe an apology to them for the random silent acussal).

But -somehow- it made sense, right?

“The probability of the son or daughter of a married couple who are doctors, to be a doctor as well, is VERY unlikely.” 

So, the only way to ensure the son "to be a doctor as well" is by force.

Sadly, I too gave up on architecture and further in medicine to avoid the imaginary conflict with my parents.

To MCB I went.

***

Two years of internal conflict really do tire me off. As I, constantly, kept on dwelling in the past, I cannot focus in the present. I failed to achieve the minimum requirement to further my study in medicine, be it in Ireland (like I supposed to) or in the local universities.

I have a really hard time. To fail after achieving an array of excellent results; both in primary and secondary school, is really overwhelming.

I have to rethink about the decision I made whether it is the right choice or not. I asked my mom about it and she seems hesitated to let me change courses. I was a bit disappointed really. But now I know why she acted like that.

I did tell her that I “want” to be a doctor so, when I request to change courses, she thought I was giving up on my dream. She just wanted me to be strong and keep on trying. That’s all. She did no wrong.

***

The time is running out. The new semester will begin soon. All my colleagues have already gotten their placement in universities abroad but I’m still running in circles, still in dilemma trying to figure out whether to carry on or not.

Under such pressure, I tend to go with the flow.

I took a bet on the safest (as my placement there is guaranteed) but not so promising option; going to Egypt… and at the same time, still stuck with medicine.

Well, my first year there doesn't go well either. I end up with a bitter and harsh disappointment. Again, I failed.

Upon reaching Malaysia, for summer holidays, I, for the second time, reconsider about ‘that’ decision I made. This time, for sure, I’ll put a full stop to it.

And… that was 2 months earlier. All the unease, dilemma and question marks already taken care of. Yes, I finally manage to get the answer.

***

"Mom, why did Angah chose to further his study in medicine? I thought he wants to be an architect?"

"Well, he did get excellent results so, he said that he might be qualified enough to take on medicine head on. And so he did."

"Mom, can I drop medicine?"

"What do you want to be then?"

"An architect maybe."

"So, your years of struggle will be wasted."

"It's okay. At least, (if I change courses) it will save up my next 6 medicine years."

Later that day, she asked again, "So, what is it going to be?"

***

Although it doesn't sounds like a solid “no” and a solid “yes” but I kind of get the gist of it: I do have the choice to choose!

(Plus, Angah was not forced like I imagined. He also made his choice too. Heheh. My bad.)

Yet, I choose to stay with medicine. ‘Cause in a way, I do feel like I’m destined to be a doctor. Just before that I am not so sure about it.

The only different is from now onward, I have nobody to put the blame on except me. I’ll have full responsibility about everything I do. I finally regain control over my weird dramatically delusional life.

I have made MY choice!

There is no turning back. Forward, is the one and only way!

***

So, that’s kind of the ends of it.

"Fate is not a straight road. There are many forks in it. You have the freewill to choose which one you take but sometimes, it will bend around and bring you straight back to that same STUBBORN fate" -Odd Thomas

-THE END-

p/s: The essence of choosing is making choice itself.